it's friday, i'm not in love

On a Friday afternoon my heart was broken and by midnight I was hitting the bottle. I never thought that I would be this person but when things happen in your life its hard to quit. Everything soon after turns into a haze and I can’t believe the people passing by me kissing like it doesn’t mean anything – I remember when a kiss meant nothing. All I know now is your kiss meant everything. And all my friends are gone and I’m standing here alone trying to get a full cup from the keg – oh how these nights and days will pass me by and I won’t even remember why I ever cried, and that’s just what I wanted… or was it? I’ll keep on dancing with all these acquaintances, I hope that at some point a friendly face will show but I know how small that chance is. Where did you go and why did you leave? What I did I do to make you not like me? We all struggle with these insecurities and I know that I accept everyone so why can’t you just accept me? Am I doing something so wrong..maybe it’s just a matter of chemistry and something I can’t fix. I’ll leave it alone but I know I won’t get anywhere doing this. Save me from this drunken mess of cameras and mirrors and foam in cups and disgusting mouths that want to spout words at me that truly mean nothing. I miss the meaning that we once had. There’s meaning in nothing around me, and I guess that’s the way I wanted it to be..but not really. Save me. save me.

rambling from a lower point

it all goes by and i start to see the true trick that life plays on everyone. the truth is that nothing good can ever come without something bad. although this does not go both ways; bad things can happen without something good to make up for them. but it seems that this is what the state is based off -- there can never be anything beneficial without some kind of toll. this is why communism is a lie...there is a price for EVERYTHING.

but moreover, forget the state and go back to living. living will never be purely good. the tears will roll down your cheeks when the realization hits that life isn't even a roller coaster its mainly just downs and plateaus. even if something might be going seemingly good, it is only just as good as the next bad thing that will happen to you, and the bad will probably be something that is ten fold bad as the good so therefore the good never outweighs the bad and doesn't even equal it. even if it did equal it, is a life of equilibrium really worth it? shouldn't i get a life where happiness is greater than sadness, and where good times outweigh the bad? am i being overly pessimistic...i think not. i think this is reality and this is why everyone medicates themselves in one way or another and no one can really stand to just live, NO ONE. this is life and it's really not living, it's just part time living and when you aren't living, because it is such an awful dreary life, you are simply nixing out all or most of your emotions or substituting them for chemically engineered ones. ooooh those sweet chemicals, yum soma, yum yum.

oh god brave new world i thought that i trusted you with this heart and these eyes and this mind, but really should i? and do i really want to keep feeling this way, i thought i would give it all away even if i was only really feeling pain but i don't know i don't know if i can just live in pain. i know i want to live but maybe i want to be happy more than i want to live. ah i suppose i just don't want to be nothing but living is what makes you desire that nothingness. it is all a confusing circle and no one who reads this will understand. but if you understand, if you really do, please please let me know. i need to know that i'm not alone (there is always solace in that, misery truly loves company but so does happiness, all human beings do..hmm me not so much - i'm an introvert) but yes it would be nice to know that someone thinks this too because maybe then we could talk eachother out of this fucked up mindset. please get me. please please please understand me. i need for someone to understand this, not sympathize but truly empathize.

the path

most of the time i think that we should go on and on and on for eternity, and some of the time i really do believe that we could continue on and on and on like this forever. but most of all deep down in that dark cold damp basement compartment of my heart, you know - the one you need to take the dusty rotted wooden stairs to (the ones that are all rickety and tremble with each step), I don't want to go on, not even just a little bit. i feel my inner self start to venture down those stairs and my outer self begins to feel sick (in that horrible nauseous way) and then my inner self reaches the bottom and clumsily stumbles slowly to the darkest corner (the one where its hard to detect anything in, even after your eyes have adjusted) and sits down, wrapping arms around knees and hopes to disappear "for good this time".

the hill

suddenly everything becomes much clearer around me. all bad feelings dissipate and only the good remains. the world is a happy brighter place and it's so nice to be here. the beat of the music resounds in my heart and my legs and arms carry me soaring all over the room to dance rhythmically along. Oh what joy I possess in my being and every feels so nice and everyone is so nice. freedom is around the corner and i am right on the edge. i close my eyes and see it all unfold the way that it should. happy lucky free me.

survival

sometimes i feel more connected to the person singing through my speakers than i do with the people i see and talk to everyday. how did i get this way? and is it supposed to be like this? to care more about disappointing the one you don't know than the ones you do. they'll never know your life, but you have a drive to be true to the words and the feelings and the meaning. a desire to be there for them like they've been there for you and if they ever happened to know you, to be able to say yes it was you who did the good and right thing that kept me sane and okay through all of the hurt and joyful through all of the happiness.

one, two, three, and shoo!

i'm gonna cut my hair real short.
gonna get my body real thin.
gonna not believe in you.
gonna believe in me again.

cause all this hair needs to go.
and all this fat needs to go.
and all these memories need to go.
and all this doubt needs to go.

they'll all get sucked into a black hole where everything else i don't like about myself disappears. vaporized into the darkness never to be seen again.

at least not until your return.

here's how it begins; here's how it keeps on going.

tap, punch, tap, tab, space, enter, back up.
enter your way into my heart through some words typed on a screen.
enter your way into my mind through some words blurted out of your mouth.
enter your way into my mouth through your body pressed against mine.
enter your way into my life through the spinning hands of a clock.
enter your way into my soul through our bodies entwined on a mattress.
enter your way into my everything through those looks we exchanged.

exit your way out of my everything by crossing a border.
exit your way out of my soul by rejecting my touch.
exit your way out of my life by whispering "no more".
exit your way out of my mouth by throwing my heart on the floor.
exit your way out of my mind by yelling "fuck off".
exit your way out of my heart...because i still feel you here.