rambling from a lower point

it all goes by and i start to see the true trick that life plays on everyone. the truth is that nothing good can ever come without something bad. although this does not go both ways; bad things can happen without something good to make up for them. but it seems that this is what the state is based off -- there can never be anything beneficial without some kind of toll. this is why communism is a lie...there is a price for EVERYTHING.

but moreover, forget the state and go back to living. living will never be purely good. the tears will roll down your cheeks when the realization hits that life isn't even a roller coaster its mainly just downs and plateaus. even if something might be going seemingly good, it is only just as good as the next bad thing that will happen to you, and the bad will probably be something that is ten fold bad as the good so therefore the good never outweighs the bad and doesn't even equal it. even if it did equal it, is a life of equilibrium really worth it? shouldn't i get a life where happiness is greater than sadness, and where good times outweigh the bad? am i being overly pessimistic...i think not. i think this is reality and this is why everyone medicates themselves in one way or another and no one can really stand to just live, NO ONE. this is life and it's really not living, it's just part time living and when you aren't living, because it is such an awful dreary life, you are simply nixing out all or most of your emotions or substituting them for chemically engineered ones. ooooh those sweet chemicals, yum soma, yum yum.

oh god brave new world i thought that i trusted you with this heart and these eyes and this mind, but really should i? and do i really want to keep feeling this way, i thought i would give it all away even if i was only really feeling pain but i don't know i don't know if i can just live in pain. i know i want to live but maybe i want to be happy more than i want to live. ah i suppose i just don't want to be nothing but living is what makes you desire that nothingness. it is all a confusing circle and no one who reads this will understand. but if you understand, if you really do, please please let me know. i need to know that i'm not alone (there is always solace in that, misery truly loves company but so does happiness, all human beings do..hmm me not so much - i'm an introvert) but yes it would be nice to know that someone thinks this too because maybe then we could talk eachother out of this fucked up mindset. please get me. please please please understand me. i need for someone to understand this, not sympathize but truly empathize.

the path

most of the time i think that we should go on and on and on for eternity, and some of the time i really do believe that we could continue on and on and on like this forever. but most of all deep down in that dark cold damp basement compartment of my heart, you know - the one you need to take the dusty rotted wooden stairs to (the ones that are all rickety and tremble with each step), I don't want to go on, not even just a little bit. i feel my inner self start to venture down those stairs and my outer self begins to feel sick (in that horrible nauseous way) and then my inner self reaches the bottom and clumsily stumbles slowly to the darkest corner (the one where its hard to detect anything in, even after your eyes have adjusted) and sits down, wrapping arms around knees and hopes to disappear "for good this time".